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最終更新日 : 2012/01/29 (Sun) 09:54
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最終更新日 : 2012/01/29 (Sun) 09:54
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Don\'t knock masturbation, it\'s sex with someone I love .
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
It\'s strange, isn\'t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go \'aaaaagghhhh\' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Minsky\'s Second Law: Don\'t just do something. Stand there.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
I\'m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
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In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
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If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: \'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I\'m trying to see things from your point of view but I can\'t get my head that far up my ass.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It\'s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
Either he\'s dead or my watch has stopped.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn\'t it.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
The difference between \'involvement\' and \'commitment\' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was \'involved\' - the pig was \'committed\'.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other\'s children.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Don\'t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they\'re eating sandwiches.
And God said, \'Let there be light\' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
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The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
If it wasn\'t for lawyers, we wouldn\'t need them.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
We\'re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
Emulate your heros, but don\'t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
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A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn\'t have an air force.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
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Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
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We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
I\'ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I\'ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
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\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Everybody\'s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there\'s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man\'s nose begins.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
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It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn\'t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
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If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he\'ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Marry me and I\'ll never look at another horse!
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I\'m going to miss mine by just a few days.
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In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
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The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
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Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
It\'s not the size of the dog in the fight, it\'s the size of the fight in the dog.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is \'to be prepared\'.
I think \'Hail to the Chief\' has a nice ring to it.
I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
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I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven\'t said enough.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can\'t it get us out?
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn\'t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/17/(Tue) 21:28
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